Friday, October 12, 2007
kai is very sad and messed up.
i'm struggling a lot with myself at this point. just thinking things i shouldn't be thinking and generally feeling a lot more belligerent and caustic in school and with michael. and we're going through a rough patch so it's been so tempting to want to paralyse myself in a state of lethargy and mope. or head on out and do something really stupid.
it was just one hour kai..nothing could have possibly happened. i'm not doing exceptionally well in school. God help me please....i really need help.
~Love
Friday, August 24, 2007
The usual about NUS:- travelling's still a bitch
- i wake up at 6am for 2 out of the 4 days of school. i end at 6pm for 2 out of the 4 days of school.
- i take 2 hours to travel to school for a 2 hour lecture on alternate mondays and tuesdays, then head back home.
- rau and i are horribly lonely people who drift about school and spend breaks alone until we get each other's company and then some.
What just got worse about NUS:- Dr Gwee aka NUS' Mr Burns is a horrible lit lecturer. leonard, liting and i and even my evil intelligent squirt actually left the LT having not understood a SINGLE WORD of his lecture, and all you guys know that i'm not that horrible in lit, and that my squirt is a genius. for the first time in a very long while, we knew we were so fucked, sulas and i started drafting a plea of help to mr ho and ol' harris the minute we got on the bus. at the end of the day, i hated conrad more as a result, not to mention i was piss-foul mood.
- i made a complete fool of myself in dance auditions. a severe blow is dealt to your self-esteem when dancers you have stage-managed before smile with recognition at you even before you have filled up your application form. guangling and i felt like walking out the minute we entered the studio. and it only got worse, because zaini's choreography, no matter how fun it was, got me totally twisted into a freak. i really regretted not enjoying the choreography because zaini's choreo was really funky and sexy and fun, but me being me, could only get the steps right. and when we had to improv for that r&b song he chose, all these Pamugun moves started to make their entrance into my system. and because i had NOTHING ELSE that i could promote myself with, i started doing a lot of penches. which looked....bad. and...weird. i looked like worse than khairul when he wasn't doing very well in slot. i was flapping, people. it would be a real joke if i got into dance ensemble. and if i did, i'd keep a low profile and WORK REALLY HARD.
- tutorials start next week.
***
vernie, i miss you already. blah.
~Love
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
you would think that after having durians last night, i'd hold back and watch my diet today.
but nup, i'm not going to, because i'm a bit upset and annoyed over a couple of things. so i'm chowing down to chocolate grape gummies now.
woe me, i'm almost halfway through the tube.
~Love
Thursday, August 16, 2007
i'm up at the ungodly hour of 0849 hours to engage in another cut-throat war that is tutorial balloting. again, i have to pray and hope for the best, because based on the fact that i've never really won anything in a lucky draw, i'm pretty darn unlucky, and i really need the grace of God and nothing else to get the tutorial slots i want.
oh, and i shall take this time to wave my temporary farewell. Because if university work doesn't take up my entire life, then travelling sure as hell will. having two lectures end when traffic is building up on the roads is the absolute PITS. and it sucks having to change THREE buses because it means that on the bumpy ride home i can't sleep away my evening motion sickness. so by the time i step out of 855/163 and walk up and through the estate to home, i'm zombified with exhaustion.
oh hell and it just started raining more heavily. I WANT TO SLEEP!
~Love
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
right...in exactly 5 hours i'm going to find myself in LT 11 of the FASS building, listening to my very first lecture on sociology. thanks to my trusty squirt, she linked me to the socio powerpoint that will be used today. also, things started to look up slightly because i realised that i have quite a number of friends with me haha.
KAI HAS FRIENDS!!
let's see: there's my dearest squirt, my tomato smith, talia my 151 buddy, lennie AND raurau, tingting and neegal.
i feel so relieved.
so typing all that out is very reassuring. takes off the annoyance which existed half an hour ago when i realised i nicked myself while shaving my legs. i cursed a bit and gnashed my teeth more out of irritation than pain (because it's not painful at all it's just itchy. and i hate itchy cuts), then proceeded to bawl to damien over SMS that this was an omen. silly me.
shall pray for a good day before heading off for lunch with grammy. right folks, wish me luck!
~Love
Monday, August 13, 2007
it's so bloody ridiculous for me to worry about school, and in my state of blind panic it never really occurred to me how stupid and insignificant my worries are. sigh... i am so insecure i annoy myself sometimes, because i know i'm capable of confidence. just that it started waning and i can't quite put my finger on when, how, and why.
STOP PANICKING ABOUT SCHOOL TOMORROW KAI!
***
i have yet to activate the concession on my student ez-link card. me being the cavegirl that i am, was musing about how i keep getting charged adult rates during dinner when jie looked over with a withering look and said, 'you gotta PAY for the concession dumbass.' i officially hate public transport now. so on top of having to top up my card more regularly now, i have to fork out $52 a month to keep my concession alive. wtf. it's times like this i wish i had a car and could drive, but i guess i'm too late for it. and anyway, even if i could drive, i can't use the car anyway because mum's always using it to get around for tuition, so bugger.
i know mum and dad don't say it, but i'm pretty sure they're disappointed i didn't get a scholarship of any sorts. well i am too, not so much for the academic prestige and all, but so that it would make me feel a bit better of myself whenever i have to pay for something school-related. because everytime i remind mum to reimburse me for varsity expenses, i feel like i'm bleeding the family's finances. be it transport, books, course packs....blah blah blah... the word "leech" screams in my head, and then another word "vain" screams back. and i know, deep down inside, that if i had gotten a scholarship, it would be --quite honestly-- for the purpose of shutting my parents up and saying 'yeah ok. i've did it.'
i'm the daughter no parent should ever have.
~Love
Sunday, August 12, 2007
it's an afternoon when getting itchy and irritable is simply the only way i'm going to stay sane because at least physical discomfort keeps my mind off from certain things.
then again, maybe not. i'm back -yes...sigh- to the stage of feeling like a fuck of a failure in just about everything that i'm going to embark on. and oh yes, i realised how much of a social failure i have become...shying away from big parties, futilely seeking coffee chill-outs with one or two people and never succeeding, being asked to go out and then realising that i've packed my weekends and weekdays so full that i can barely breathe. which is quite an irony, because i never intended to be so heavily involved in varsity.
i concede that this is one of the hardest and scariest things of being a christian: to leave everything to God, and to trust Him to deliver in your life, then to accept whatever He has provided you. for an uptight prude like me, i worry about everything in my life, and depending on God has been quite a challenge. yet at the same time, i'm running myself dry with the exhaustion of trying to logically sort out everything, and it would be good to just lay down all my sorrows and trials at His feet, and let Him take over.
then there's the shame of feeling like an ungrateful fuck, and knowing that there are so many people out there who have been struck down with worse personal disaster, and that really, i have no place to complain but i do anyway....
***
i'm very thankful for church every week. every sunday, where i can worship God, listen to sermons, and get away from the outside world for a while, head out for lunch with some really wonderful people, then head back to church to jam. while i still wonder how i can better balance my roles as a daughter, girlfriend, and christian, it doesn't change how happy i am to be part of a fellowship, share a few laughs, learn about God together...
***
i need a revival
~Love
